No Sales, No Promos, just… A Funny poem for Christmas

Good morrow and greetings friend! It is I, The Wizard

I’m just interrupting roasting magical chestnuts on an open fire with Jack Frost, who clearly has a foot fetish, always nipping at my toes and stuff, to bring you wonderful tidings.

Instead of the usual special offers or new designs, here at Wizard Prints Shop, we know by now you’re probably spread a little thin and blown your stack on Christmas gear already. So as something a little different, we’re bringing you a funny Christmas poem by author and poet, Barry S. Brunswick for your pure entertainment. Enjoy!

The Family Christmas
By Barry S. Brunswick

There goes the man in the bright red hat
He has rosy cheeks and he’s kinda fat
On his sleigh is an enormous sack
Where the Christmas gifts inside are stacked

With a “Ho ho ho,” his heart it swells
A merry chap with some jingle bells
With reindeer puffing, he flies round the world
To give his gifts to the boys and girls

Far below on a city street
A house is still, there’s not a peep
The residents there are fast asleep
Catching zees and counting sheep

And the old man gets in quite the state
When there is no chimney, he can use the gate
But Santa has no time to wait
He’s against the clock and running late

You can tell Santa’s been, cos the Sherry’s dry
As he takes the chance of a DUI
He’s had too much to even fly
And one too many Christmas pies

The kid’s joyous screams at the Christmas morn
Though they were up before the dawn
On the merry day no time for scorn
The air is cold, but the hearts are warm

The children’s eyes light up when they see
The sparkly gifts beneath the tree
And there they go, with their squeals of glee
Though it’s only a quarter to three

Awakened, mum and dad rush downstairs
Grumbling, rumbling, grumpy bears
Through tired eyes, disapproving glares
Kids too excited to even care

To create a feast for thirty-two
Before the light there’s chores to do
To roll up sleeves and prep the food
A day that’s spent in servitude

And once again, mum and dad are annoyed
Soon the kitchen is abuzz with noise
The sound of screaming girls and boys
And beeping, squeaking, electric toys

And the family chaos will soon begin
The in-laws are coming, the turkey’s in
Patience is already wearing thin
Take a cheeky sip of the Christmas gin

And though Christmas is the time of peace
It’s hard to maintain with not much sleep
The smoke alarm it starts to screech
And the food it blackens, it smokes, it screams

With a knock at the door the folks are here
The grannies, aunties, the gifts, the beer
And very soon it becomes so clear
The big mistake you’ve made this year

With cousins running round the room
The screaming carnage can now resume
The dog’s gone crazy, he’s got the zooms
The booze is flowing though it’s only noon

Then it’s time to set the table
A call to work for those that are able
While watching movies on the cable
Fast asleep, is Auntie Mable

Making sure no time is wasted
And every scrap is freely tasted
Thirty-two to take their places
Family gathers with smiling faces

From the kitchen the feast does come
With the final touches of the red-faced mum
Now the table is overrun
With roast potatoes, and stuffing crumbs

It gets too much in the children’s seats
They’re tired and hungry without much sleep
And their adorable yet loudest screams
Snap Auntie Mable, once again from dreams

Finally, everyone’s seated and the corks do fly
The crackers pop as the noise does rise
But mum’s had enough, she starts to cry
Because the sprouts are mush and the turkey’s dry

To the music from the choir
Like Christmas carols but octaves higher
An hour in, and all start to tire
As the Christmas pud nearly sets the house on fire

Now all that’s left is the mess and bones
A full up sink and dirty stove
Now each one carries a heavy load
Because with another crumb they will explode

Time to crawl to the other room
In a Christmas jumper that is stained with food
The Sound of Music on the tube
The kids are fighting, the dog just spewed

And now the slurring words are clear
Where uncle’s had far too much beer
Making his twisted views so clear
He yells the words no one wants to hear

Before the day is heading south
Uncle falls asleep upon the couch
At least for once he can shut his mouth
Well, apart from dribble and snoring sounds

Now is when all the gifts get unboxed
The kids go first, while the adults watch
Stupid plastic tacky slop
And dad’s annoyed with his Santa socks

Soon there’s paper everywhere
Half asleep in every chair
Silence lingers in the air
Like a hurricane came through but they weren’t there

Though still full up, some chocolate’s appealing
The house is full of that sleepy feeling
Clean dishes stacked right up to the ceiling
Most around are sleeping, dreaming

Dad goes in and mum is itching
Yawning, standing in the kitchen
Her patience runs so close to switching
While she’s half asleep and really twitching

She tries the subtle way about
To get those people out her house
Yawning with her arms stretched out
“Is that the time?” comes from her mouth

With a million hugs and a kiss on cheeks
Finally, they hit the frozen street
Fifteen cars pull away like a fleet
The family can rejoice, now it’s time for peace

While the kids play and the parents cheer
Reminiscing on the day with exhausted tears
Now they snuggle together, pull their loved ones near
And they’ll do it all again, the same time next year

***

To find out more about Barry’s work you can check out his site here. You may even find a present or two for yourself on the sneaky. 

Come back next week for the start of our January sale if you have any money left that is. If not, wait a while, get back on your feet and chill.

Must dash, I’ve gotta go wrap all the presents now and it’s a struggle to get the mogwai for my nephew to stop squirming.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays or even merry everyday friend, and see you next time!